Dear ATEOMR,

It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a holier-than-thou place.

Our advice in this case is very straightforward. You need to get help. What you are experiencing is real and potentially dangerous -- to you and your children. Your husband's beliefs are real to him too, but it doesn't sound like you necessarily share them, and it definitely doesn't sound like they're giving you the help you need in this situation. Whether or not it's even possible for postpartum depression to be remedied by faith alone is questionable. But you don't have time for questioning.

You need help. Now.

Perhaps if your husband is averse to formal psychotherapy, you could pursue a postpartum support group or a general new mom's group and use that to segue into more personalized care if necessary. The group leader should be able to direct you to resources, or perhaps even help you work through some of your issues directly. It's not clear how connected you feel to the spiritual side or what the belief system in play is, but perhaps it could be helpful to discuss your concerns with a religious leader. You'll have to gauge whether you think this could be helpful or would simply reinforce your husband's position. The denial of mental illness (or its interpretation as a moral failing) by the clergy is pretty common and can be an impediment on the path to care.

You may have more luck going straight to your medical doctor, or even your child's pediatrician, to say you're worried about being depressed. Your children's welfare is at stake, and depression is well within the purview of the medical profession. Some doctors are much better talking about these matters than others, so you may need to push a bit if you're not getting a response -- or look elsewhere.

Your husband's attitude is almost definitely contributing to your depression. There's quite a bit of research suggesting that postpartum depression is exacerbated, if not caused, by a serious lack of support. It's one thing to feel overwhelmed, and another to feel that your concerns aren't being taken seriously. To be called lazy on top of it adds a layer of antagonism that makes us worry.

We rarely suggest that one partner operate behind the other's back. But if you have reason to believe that your husband will stand in the way of you pursuing help, we urge you to work around that, even if it means doing it without his knowledge. Are there other people in your community you can trust and lean on for emotional and logistical support during this time? Do you have friends who will care for your children while you seek counseling? Can you reach out online, or via a phone hotline? There are some great resources available to point you in the right direction for deeper support; we've listed some below. A phone call is a great place to start. There are many other wonderful mothers out there who have been through this before and can guide you to the kind of support you need.

Once you have reached a level of equilibrium for yourself, you can consider whether you want to go back to your husband and talk to him about his role in your emotional life. If he's not hearing this cry for help, he may need to work on his listening skills.

Here are some excellent resources:

Postpartum Progress is an amazing website that includes many links to other resources — groups, hotlines, books, etc — as well as a piece addressing religion and postpartum depression.

Christian PPD Support offers help to a specifically Christian community.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com. Questions submitted may be used for publication.

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Dear Get Yours,

We must begin by disclosing that we are those moms you're complaining about. Maybe not as much as we used to be, but in those early days, we could quite often be seen leaving the house with Einstein hair, mis-buttoned shirts, and yoga pants worn so often they may as well have been surgically attached. Things are better now. But we still have great empathy for the new mother's grooming challenges. The way we see it is, in the early months (years?) of parenthood, all bets are off. After 75 days without REM sleep, we'd forgive a mom for walking around with no pants on, never mind lipstick. We do have a certain kind of awe for moms who manage to look flawless while caring for an infant . . . not unlike the feeling we have about people who break bizarre world records.

We weren't proud of our slovenly ways. It was just how things went down. By all means, if you've got the inclination and the motivation to keep up appearances in the midst of chaos (or if you've been lucky enough to be blessed with great genes and a baby who's not so chaotic), more power to you. But there are plenty of reasons why a mom may not be able or inclined to dab on the gloss for every soccer game.

Everyone's basic primping threshold is different. There are women who would never dream of leaving the house without using several hair appliances. There are others who might easily leave the house wearing two different shoes. And that's before having kids. Pile a newborn or a carpool and a job on top of that, and everyone tends to move down the ladder a few rungs. This may be a simple matter of priorities or it may be an actual political stance.

And speaking of priorities, when do you see these grungy moms? At daycare drop off? The park? It may be that they clean up nice when they see fit but have no interest in looking good for a bunch of toddlers in a sandbox or, for that matter, you. Life with kids is messy; they may just be dressing for the job. Some mothers actually do want to spend more time on their looks, but aren't able to. Lack of time, support and resources equals a compromised grooming system. Maybe they've rationalized looking like hell for the time being, or maybe they are as horrified by themselves as you are.

It's also possible that a mother who spends no time on her own appearance may actually be depressed. If this is the case, styling is the least of her problems. Have heart, and count your blessings.

When you're looking at other mothers, remember that they have different priorities and lives you may not fully understand. Partners, too, have different expectations. It is actually possible that these unkempt women are fine with how they look, and their partners are too. And if they're not, it's really not your concern. Sure, there is something to be said for just running that brush through your hair every morning, come hell or high water, colic or a sexless marriage. But somehow we're not worried that women aren't getting a strong enough message to "look good." There's a formidable MILF/yummy mummy culture out there doing a decent job of just that.

Our question to you is: why do you care so much?

Your husband was worried about your looks going south after you had kids. You've obviously proven him wrong. So why do you have to take down your schleppy sisters? What is it about their lack of primping that you find so threatening? Do you feel that their disheveled looks are a sign of their altruistic commitment to childcare over self-care? Does falling apart on the outside signal falling apart on the inside? Or alternately, does a controlled image mean that life is under control?

Think about what's behind the disgust, because it could well be a very legitimate fear; a loss of control, happiness or sense of self we all fear losing. Working out this anxiety can be a lot more productive than being critical of other women.

There's no reason to think the scruffy mom next to you in the sandbox is bringing you down. If anything, she's making you look better.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com. Questions submitted may be used for publication.

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Dear Large,

Sounds like you have some nice options on either end, which is great news. It doesn't necessarily make your choice any easier, but at least it takes the pressure off. What you need to think about is what the next year of your life is going to look like, and how you'll be able to get what you need wherever you are. Of course, there's a lot you can't plan for in the unpredictable world of birth and new parenthood. But there are some things most parents would agree are incredibly helpful during this time: you need to feel cared for, plugged into resources, connected to the world, and minimally stressed by anything other than caring for the baby. Here's a closer look at these needs; ideally, you'll want:

— A Caregiver You Feel Good About. You are right that the Northwest tends to be on the more progressive side when it comes to birth. If that's what you're after, you'll probably find it. But it's not always easy to get your choice caregiver at the very end of pregnancy — this totally depends on the caregiver and local resources, but to be on the safe side: Research your West Coast care options now. Call midwives, doulas, birthing facilities or birth educators in the area and ask what your options would be. Also, are you happy with your New York City provider? It's not necessary to move west for progressive care; there are midwives and doulas in the city. They may not give you that all-encompassing NoCal vibe, but they could meet your needs.

— A Strong Support System. After the birth, it's important to have people around who can really help. A new mother is doing a ton of work and she needs to be mothered. Serious lack of support has been linked with postpartum depression. You may feel more secure and connected in New York where you have friends, colleagues and neighbors . . . or in California with your husband's family. How is your relationship with your in-laws? Getting support requires accepting it. And it can be hard to show real vulnerability with people you may otherwise be seeking to impress or keep at a polite distance. When you imagine your in-laws sweeping in with rotisserie chickens and swaddling blankets, do you feel comfortable? Ditto with the NYC posse. Will they take care of you, or will you be taking care not to offend them?

— A Reasonably Comfortable Physical Environment. Those sunny coastal walks you mentioned could do wonders for a cooped up new mom. Which may or may not compensate for returning home to a mountain of unpacked boxes, an unfurnished living space, or a place you moved into under time pressure but never really liked. Do you feel confident that you could find a new place you'll feel good about by birth time? How do you feel about the space you're in now? If it's cramped and you're already "out of here," you may feel frustrated or as if you're living in transit. New mothers tend to spend a lot of time on the couch feeding their babies. Think about what you'll be looking at. And whether you like that view.

— Connection. Moving to a new place often involves a period of isolation. Sometimes this is really welcomed: the feeling of being fresh and new and out there in a curious place is exciting. But sometimes it can be very lonely. New mothers can feel isolated even in a very familiar place. Isolation is also associated with depression no matter when in your life it happens. Being around other new mothers can be so important to help give you perspective, an outlet for ranting and raving, and a network for sharing advice on baby care. So think about where you have connections to other mothers and friends: this may be the west coast, this may be NYC.

— A Manageable Amount of Stress. You need to think about the reality of the actual move. At five and half months, you basically have three months to pack, move and settle. That's not a huge amount of time. If you have a house waiting for you, a make-it-happen husband and the resources to pay for movers who will all but pack and unfold your underwear, you'll be cruising. If you are planning a U-Haul, DIY move, you need to think seriously about the fact that you may need help tying your shoes by the time you get there. We've seen women move continents at seven months. But not everyone is up for Extreme Nesting. It may seem better to get the stress over with now. But if you find that you're desperate to get it done because you fear that once you have a baby you won't be able to move from one room to the other, let alone coast-to-coast, we want to reassure you. Newborns are quite portable, and often spend a lot of their time asleep. You won't be messing with a baby's schedule or attachment to a space; new babies are generally erratic and can hardly see past the tip of their parents' noses. So try to remain calm about that possibility.

We want to end on a positive note. Moving is challenging, so is becoming a parent. But both are pretty exciting, too. Like so many decisions to come, this one will be best made by sitting down and talking out the pros and cons with your partner. Look at what each scenario involves in a realistic way. Consult your gut. (Women in pregnancy can be very smart about what they need and when they need it.) Then make a decision together and move on.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com

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Dear Mrs. McGinty,

Sure, babies are "supposed to be" plump and squishy. In fact, many parents worry considerably if their baby isn't round with big cheeks and chubby little toes. We've all heard the expression "a big, healthy baby." Acknowledging the bigness and chubbiness of a baby could be seen as an affirmation of vitality. If you were in sub-Saharan Africa, you'd be accused of bragging.

But in our culture, we have complicated feelings about being "chubby." Especially when it comes to girls. You might say your relative has a chip on her shoulder, but it's a pretty common chip in a world where fat is a liability. We can imagine why a mother calling her daughter chubby might send a shiver. And if Chubby's loaded, Greedy Guts is downright hardcore. Now you're bringing in appetite as an undesirable trait. (Guts doesn't have particularly nice connotations, either.)

Many parents — even if they try their hardest not to — project a future appearance based on early impressions. People predict baldness, double chins, acne, ass shape, torso length, and upper body strength all from the shape of their squirmy, gummy infant. In this context, you can imagine how Chubby might be perceived as a projection of future fatness, rather than a term of baby endearment. Nicknames can also sometimes endure inadvertently, turning nasty later. The names behind your relative's aforementioned shoulder chip may have emerged from similarly benign beginnings.

You may really mean this all in playful adoration of your daughter's abundance. But it's worth taking this opportunity to think about whether there might be something else going on. Are you afraid she will be fat? Do you have anxiety about your own weight? Most women do. We live in a very thin-obsessed and incredibly unhealthy culture when it comes to body image. It's understandable that you'd want to protect your daughter from potential angst. Perhaps using those names somehow makes you feel like you're fighting back against all that pressure. If that's the case, we applaud your intention, but as she grows, you might consider something less easily misinterpreted. It's true that she's young now, but she's learning every day. Why not start early with more positive messages?

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com

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Dear Lost,

Any parent who's lost track of a child for more than a few moments knows how terrifying it feels: the frenzied scan for his face, the increasingly hysterical name-calling and the sky-rocketing heart rate. The good news is that it's a very, very rare event for a public "disappearance" to end in a real tragedy. But it's still good to talk to your kid about what to do if he can't find you.

For older children — who are more likely to be out alone, or at least on a longer leash — there are some important lessons to be learned about assessing and managing risky situations. But even a young child can be taught some strategies for staying safe and speeding a reunion.

According to experts, here's what you should teach your young son to do, should he get lost:

1. Tell him to stay in one place. It's easier for a caregiver to find a child if he stays put.

2. Tell him to call out for you. You may hear the shouts and, if not, his yelling will alert people to the fact that he's a lost child, which can lead to help.

3. Tell him to look for someone trustworthy . . . like another mommy with kids. Stats show that mothers are the most likely to be helpful in a lost child situation. If your child knows what a police uniform looks like, that's another option. Mothers are often the first suggestion for very little kids, however, as looking for the right uniform can be confusing.

4. Tell him to give out any information about you. He can tell the other mother or cop his name and your name and anything else he can remember (cell phone, street address). Young kids can't be expected to retain a lot of detail so you could consider an ID for your kid — either in or attached to his backpack or written onto his shirts or shoes. This is something you may want to consider when traveling or going to a very crowded and confusing place.

5. Don't teach your child to avoid ALL strangers. The chances of abduction or other untoward experience in public is really quite small, and strangers account for relatively few of the tragedies that do occur. But your kid might get lost or be stranded in someway that could benefit from the help of . . . strangers. If he's afraid of them, he may not get that help. You can teach your child how to respond if something scary happens, especially if the child's old enough to be out and about on his/her own.

The goal of all this preparation is to give your child confidence. There's no reason to go through lots of worst-case scenarios, but rehearsing some of the above in a straightforward fire-drill kind of way can help drum in the protocol. And then, in the unlikely scenario that he finds himself lost and scared, he'll have a few ideas about how to deal.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com

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